4 steps of nonviolent communication
How to communicate with each other? It is our never ending training ground. I often use nonviolent communication as a baseline to start with if you want to be more clear in what you want without offending, if you are frustrated with what happens around you or when you have the feeling people don't hear what you are trying to say.
The basis of Nonviolent Communication is empathy.
Empathetic listening and speaking. This means that you truly try to understand what it is you actually want and communicate this in such a way that you trigger someone else's empathy. It means listening in way that you are trying to understand and feel what the other person experiences, feels, needs and asks of you.
WHEN TO USE IT
There is a lot that you can read, watch and learn from
Nonviolent Communication, I am only going to address the practical 4 steps of Nonviolent Communication that you can use in your conversations at work and at home. Especially if you:
- often feel all kinds of emotions during meetings and you don't know how to address them.
- are afraid of harming others in your communication and being too assertive.
- feel people are not hearing you or are not following up on your requests.
- want to honour more your desire and have decided be less accomodating of other people's wishes.
sometimes only step 1 is needed to address something. and a pause.
Try practicing this first step by simply going back to emails you have where you received defensive responses or no responses at all. See how you communicated the facts: were they neutral and objective or already coloured and perhaps even judging? Now try to rewrite the email, considering the observing part. Can you write the observations in such a way that they are neutraly describing what happened or what you witnessed?
2. FEELINGS
This one might seem simple. Just add how the observations make you feel. But, how do they make you feel exactly? And can you put this in words? And are you willing to communicate these to your colleague?
This is where the magic happens. Where you can provoke empathy.
A message without vulnerability will not receive empathy and understanding. Or said the other way around; if you are able to put vulnerability in your communication, people will be willing to hear you, try to understand and feel you. Emotions are key to achieve this.
Practice this by simply writing down all the emotions you feel related to the situation, to that what has happened or what you observed. Write freely as if no one will ever read it. Then read it again and feel which emotions really resonate and represent the feeling inside. Use those words in your communication. If you don't know how to do that exactly, consult someone you trust. You could even propose already 2 or 3 sentences to them in which you practice writing down a message that represents the connection in between the observations you have made and the emotions you felt.
Example: "I have explained my colleague how to answer that email, nonetheless she hasn't answered it yet. I feel frustrated and angry that we can't make this work well and solve it. Even afraid to be stupid because maybe I didn't explain it enough."
a message without vulnerability will not receive empathy and understanding
3. NEEDS
Next step in your communication is stating your need. This often is the alternative of your observation. Let me use the example directly:
"I have explained my colleague how to answer that email, nonetheless she hasn't answered it yet. I feel frustrated and angry that we can't make this work well and solve it. Even stupid because maybe I didn't explain it enough.
Because I like solving things quickly and getting things done, not having to go back on it multiple times."
So
whatever wish or desire you have, it will receive space in this part. Some people barge into a conversation putting their desires directly on the table: "Can't we do this a bit quicker?" "Shouldn't this be solved by now?" Phrased as a question, but still loaded with judgement and desire. The only thing you will get when you only put desires or even demands on the table, are desires and demands from the people you are talking to. Or silence, cause they simply don't know what to say. "You see, nothing changes."
The trouble with clarifying your needs is that often we don't know what we actually need.
What is important to us. But we do know what we don't want.
To practice this, go back to situations where you felt emotions due to a situation. Perhaps you were frustrated, annoyed, sad, unhappy or dissappointed. What was it that you really would have wanted back then? Make an exercise out of it, to filter out your own values or social/professional norms you carry inside and that resonate in those situations and feelings that were stirred.
4. REQUESTS
Last but not least, what is your request? What is it that you actually are asking the other person. I have
coached people that were used to just state requests without sharing any context or reason (supervisors, but also parents ;) ) or people that don't state a request at all. They only pinpoint the problem and what they would like, but have no clear call to action so nothing really changes.
When you think of making a request, see it as inviting the other person to join you into solving the situation.
Let's continue building on the example: ""I have explained my colleague how to answer that email, nonetheless she hasn't answered it yet. I feel frustrated and angry that we can't make this work well and solve it. Even stupid because maybe I didn't explain it enough.
Because I like solving things quickly and getting things done, not having to go back on it multiple times. Can we have a look at it together to see how we can solve this?"
