asking help without feeling ashamed
You are stuck in a situation. Somewhere you know it is time to ask for help, but that isn't something you're used to do. So how to proceed? Here are some pointers on how to learn to ask for help, without feeling ashamed about it.
Let's start with the question: why don't you ask for help? There are a couple of reasons I hear from people:
1) asking help costs time. You need to explain things to people, things that you can do yourself, maybe even quicker than they can. Allowing yourself to ask for help, would imply letting go, not only of a task, but also the speed and quality with which that task should be done according to you, and could be done if you would just do it yourself.
2) asking help feels like you failed. You are used to always getting things done. It is part of who you are and why people ask you to do your work and why you are good at it. Stopping now would mean admitting you are not good at it. That you are a failure and unable to finish what you start.
3) asking help means you have to bother others with your question.
You know that others are busy too and you don't want to bother them. You don't want to be seen as the kind of person that whines or nags. So you prefer to do things yourself.
4) asking help is you admitting you are not smart enough. That you are weak. You always have a solution for something and people come to you for ideas and help, not the other way around. If you now would start asking for help, what will people think?
well, why would you ask for help?
One person only has so much time, skills and capacity. That can run out and you get stuck. Perhaps you feel you arrived at that point. That your tasks are too demanding, you lose overview and control over what you have to do. It all feels too much. Time to ask help.
ASKING HELP
There is a practical way to get toward asking help and there is an inner way to reach it. For some people the practical way already gives some space to ask for help, for some it's not enough. As you have read in the stories above, asking for help requires you to let go and break the pattern.
THE INNER WAY
Now maybe the practical way has already helped you in asking help. I can also imagine that you have recognised a pattern in yourself. A pattern of not asking help. If this is the case, it might be wise to explore also the inner way to break this pattern and avoid harmful situations in the future.
- Learn about how
inner selves work. They produce your thoughts and form your
inner dialogue.
- Grow your awareness
of your inner dialogue. Specifically when thinking of trying to ask for help and which voices enter the conversation.
- Write these down and recognise any pattern
of a specific voice. Often there are several mixed up;
- a side that doesn't want to give up
- a part of you that doesnt want to lose time
- a voice that loves success and get things done
- a pleasing side of you that doesn't like letting other people down.
- Take some time for yourself to get acquainted with these different inner selves and see this time as a
self exploring period.
- It is likely that this process will already start a
healing proces, in which you have started listening more to these voices, giving them quality time and hence, taking away the pressure from them. When you ignore them, they tend to become louder. When you listen, they soften, and thus you create more space. Perhaps for the voice that wants to enjoy life, that wants to focus on the fun stuff, or the tasks that make you feel good, valued and appreciated.
- Keep writing down your thoughts, or draw them, or talk about it with other people or a
coach to help yourself reflect. During this process you will noticing slight forms of a rebalancing taking place.
