Free Tools

Find a Perfect Job

vincentdeinum@gmail.com (Vincent Deinum) — Mon, 12 Apr 2021 12:42:17 GMT

find a perfect job

They do exist, perfect jobs. If you know what conditions favour you and your way of working. If you know what you value most. What energises you and what makes you eager. Here is a framework that helps you gain that overview and choose the job that fits you best.

IMPACT

Write down the situations you remember where you felt most useful. They can be at work or in any project or job you did. Think of experiences where you felt you could really contribute to something meaningful, where you felt fulfilled with what you were able to contribute or bring about with your actions.

PERSONALITY

Write down how you would describe your own personality. All the things that characterise you and how you are in the working environment. The typical traits you have and your way of working. If you feel lost here, try doing a personality test that can help you on your way.

VALUES

Write down what you value most at work. These are things that are really important to you at work and you will flourish more and more in an environment that honours the same kind of values as you do. Here is another free tool that might help you to find your values .

STRENGTHS

Write down what your energising strengths are. They are your natural drive. When you use your strengths in tasks or projects, you will feel energised, focused and positiviely challenged to contribute as best as you can. I use the Strengthscope® method to assess people's strengths at work.

TOPICS

Write down the topics that make you eager to act. The conversational topics during parties or news items that make you curious to study it, take action or gain experiences. They can be completely far from your working expertise, but they do inspire and motivate you.

ACTIVITIES

Finally, look at the overview of everything you wrote down and determine what kind of activities would fit with your profile. Think of projects, job roles, specific tasks. Avoid thinking in known or fixed jobs. Rather play with aspects of work that would really fit and start describing activities from that perspective.

This framework helps you gain new perspective on the job that would fit you best. With this framework you have a sort of checklist you can use when searching for jobs. To see whether or not the job would really fit with the person that you are.

That doesn't mean it will be easy to realise it and find that fitting job. This often requires a period of exploration, trying out projects and job roles, maybe some volunteering to gain experiences and evaluate what works best for you or expand your network in a new working environment you want to step into.

If this is challenging for you, consider following the basic coaching program I offer. Read more about it by clicking the button below.

How to Prevent a Burnout

vincentdeinum@gmail.com (Vincent Deinum) — Fri, 02 Apr 2021 13:57:31 GMT

how to prevent a burnout

Burnout is not an individual problem. It is a collective & systemic problem. It's not up to you to change yourself, but we need to change the environment you work and live in. And in that nurturing environment, there are ways for you to honour your own energy and priorities.

I will give you a guideline.

First I will start sharing the way to develop an environment where burnouts will be less likely to exist. A way for organisations to start building a regenerative organisational culture. After, I will share what you can do for yourself. Click the button to go there directly.

burnout prevention is building a regenerative culture

Dear organisation,

Here is a letter for you. Read it as a guideline to transform your organisational culture and prevent burnouts for your staff. Such a transformation often requires a movement from a high performance culture into a regenerative culture. From a reactive problem solving culture into a preventive and nurturing culture. Where we focus as much on the inner world as on the outer world of the organisation.

I created a Cultural Web below to give an example of changes you can incorporate on different cultural levels.

It requires you to change the ruling stories, famous symbols and rituals & routines that guide people into a burnout. You will have to rethink your organisational structure, your power structures and controling systems, to foster a culture in which vulnerability, recovery, transparancy and support are valued, next to performance, quality, client satisfaction and so on. Here a some major pointers:

1 - Dare to Set Clear Expectations

Many organisations I encounter have a hard time describing people's jobs. Job titles, yes. Job descriptions, maybe. Clear expectations and agreed results, no. There is also some sort of allergy on the words like performance indicators, performance results, deliverables and so on. But the words themselves are an attempt to create clarity and transparancy on the question: "What do we expect you to do?" And with 'we' I mean as much the employee as the team and as much the team lead or manager.

Then the question is how much, how well, how long, how elaborate? If we don't set that baseline for everyone's job and people don't have clear expectations on when they do a good job, they will invent it themselve s. And here lies the risk: b ecause people tend to see every task of their work as important and urgent.

people tend to see every task of their work as important and urgent

many people with burnouts didn't see them coming

but the people around them did.

4 - Give Autonomous Space for Healing (next to creativity)

Considering that it is already a praised and admired habit to give employees a set of creative hours per week to autonomously work on their own projects, I'd like to advocate a similar system for healing.

Healing goes beyond recovery. One of the biggest pitfalls is to recover from a burnout. You shouldn't recover from it, don't get better without learning from it in depth. Healing means profoundly meeting yourself, your shadows and demons, and solving the pain that got you there in the first place.

Enabling people to create healing routines at work, in which they can apply whatever they learn with their gurus, therapists, healers or yogis, is a way of strengthening the story that top performance can only come in a balance with healing. The Ying and Yan story. Help them create regenerative rituals.

one of the biggest pitfalls is to recover from a burnout

burnout prevention you can start today

If you are reading this, chances are you will not get a burnout. Most people that are keen on preventing them from reaching burnout, will not get there because they are so keen on not getting it :)

Perhaps you have experienced it in the past or you have heard stories about it. Good for you that you are willing to learn, you want to read the signs and keep yourself energised. Here are some easy pointers:

Make sure you know what is expected from you. People with burnout tend to do too much, too precise work and think what they have achieved is never enough. You tend to create your own standards on what is 'good', which are often way too high and advanced. Go back to your chief, team lead, client or customer to check what they are actually expecting from you. Specify this as much as possible with clear outcomes, described products or measurable indicators so you know when your job is done.
Agree on routine evaluations. In order to prevent yourself from crossing your own boundaries without knowing, set review milestones in which you evaluate progress, receive feedback, explore what can be done less or more and re-establish expectations. Do this together with your supervisor/client/customer in a regular interval with a maximum span of 2/3 months (but can also be biweekly).
Ask feedback on a weekly basis. Especially in the beginning of a job it can help to have regular input on your work. Feedback also helps break down blind spots you have about yourself. My experience is that people that have burnouts tend to be strongly self-critical and high demanding, feedback helps to bring nuance in all the things you think you should be doing.
Ask for help. Don't try solving every issue by yourself. You are not the only person responsible. Read this free tool if asking help is something you have trouble with.
Say no. The world has limits. Also your work, your responsibilities and your capabilities. Here are some tips on how to say no .
Be unproductive. There isn't an athlete in the world that is performing more than 8 hours a day every day of the week. It's unthinkable. If you want to do a good job and deliver what is expected, you need time to rest, to recover, to unwind, to focus your attention on your body, your heart, your joy , passion and playfulness. Be unproductive. At least 1 hour per day.
Manage your energy resources. The people you love, the games you like to play, the food you crave or your favourite book. Make a list of all the things that give you energy and give them daily or weekly time and space. If you feel you need to check if your work is energising enough, check this tool on how to energise your tasks . Also make sure your loved ones are in the top 5. For as much as family might be a stressor or you sometimes need to invest in relationships, they pay back tenfold.

know what is driving you

vincentdeinum@gmail.com (Vincent Deinum) — Mon, 29 Mar 2021 09:11:14 GMT

Know what is driving you

All your small choices, your daily decisions, are driven by your internal compass. All your emotional reactions, what you agree with, object to and the people you relate with. They are all framed by what you value most and what you consider important in life.

Many people I meet aren't fully aware of their compass. Of the values they carry inside and determine many of their daily reactions to their surrounding. The more you are aware and aligned with your values, the more you will feel in control of yourself, your reactions to your surrounding, but also you will feel more at peace. Cause you will be able to choose more wisely and coherent with yourself.

knowing your values enables you to choose more wisely

WHAT VALUES DO YOU HAVE?

HOW TO USE YOUR VALUES

Now you have a list of values, you can consider how to use them.

Familiarise yourself with them. Use 3-4 weeks to become aware of how your values resonate in the conversations you have, the choices you make and how you react to situations.
Reflect on the bigger emotional outbursts. Analyse what happens inside you and in your surrounding. Because these outbursts mean your values aren't honoured. Now that can happen for a short time, but on the long run, being in an environment that doesn't honour and respect your values, it is going to drain you of energy, frustrate and anger you and can lead to health problems.
Find the right job. Don't go for any job, double check that there is an environment in which you and your values will flourish. Before an interview, think of 2-3 questions related to your values that you can ask to assess how your values will be given space in the working environment.
Accept people with other values. Your friends, your family, you co-workers or strangers. We all have led different lives with different examples in our upbringing. We cannot enforce our values onto others, but we can remain aware of our own values and the ones others might carry, and respect and honour them both. Even when they are in conflict.

how to confront a colleague

vincentdeinum@gmail.com (Vincent Deinum) — Thu, 04 Mar 2021 16:26:52 GMT

how to confront a colleague

You would like to address a colleague, but how? Can you really say it? How will they react? It can feel stressful when you want to express a concern or give feedback. Confronting is a skill you can learn to master. Here's how.

There are several ways how to communicatie your message. If you check the other tools about Nonviolent Communication , Your Influencing Styles or How to say NO to your boss , you can learn and read a lot about how to deal and communicate with others.

There are 4 simple chronological steps how you can undertake to reach confrontation in a less stressful way.

1. ATTENTION

the better the relationship, the easier it can be to confront.

2. AWARENESS

Bridging to raising awareness is easy when you start asking questions to your colleague. "What is your view on project X?" or "Have you noticed the responses of our stakeholders on that report?".

You try to make someone aware of what is happening. You share your observations, certain facts or data or perspectives from others you are aware off. Always finish with a check-question: "What do you think?" or "Were you aware of this?"

It helps if you keep a curious mindset in this step, not a judging or confronting one. Sometimes someone is not aware of what they do, or perhaps you have blind spots on the motives of your colleague.

3. AGREEMENT

Most people don't move on after the awareness step. They keep on addressing topics and issues, asking questions, without actually driving the conversation to a concrete agreement.

if you keep doing what you've always done

you'll keep getting what you've always got

After raising awareness, only one question remains: "How shall we do this from here on?"

Search for alignment on how to approach the issue, on how to change your way of working, your communication, how to collaborate or interact. Make an agreement for the next 1 or 2 months and agree to review this agreement.

4. CONFRONT

After step 3 it should by quite simple to confront someone else. You made an agreement. So you have something tangible to keep someone accountable. All of a sudden, confronting doesn't feel anymore like confrontation!

It will feel like confrontation, like provoking a conflict or even picking a fight, if you haven't made any clear agreement, nor you haven't specified that you will keep each other accountable. Then either your colleague is in for a surprise or you are.

That last bit should also not have to be a problem. If there are really issues at work, in a relationship or in the way people communicate, sometimes it can release a lot of negative energy if you have a good confrontation about it. Express yourself.

confront a colleague with the intention

to professionally improve your working relationship

4 steps of nonviolent communication

vincentdeinum@gmail.com (Vincent Deinum) — Wed, 24 Feb 2021 21:18:21 GMT

4 steps of nonviolent communication

How to communicate with each other? It is our never ending training ground. I often use nonviolent communication as a baseline to start with if you want to be more clear in what you want without offending, if you are frustrated with what happens around you or when you have the feeling people don't hear what you are trying to say.

Perhaps you have also read other Free Tools like 4 Steps to Deal with Situations in which I speak about changing your situation, or Your Influencing Styles or Your Circle of Influence , and you feel you want to interact more effectively with your surrounding to get your message across. Often when I coach , I share these 4 practical steps of Nonviolent Communication.

The basis of Nonviolent Communication is empathy. Empathetic listening and speaking. This means that you truly try to understand what it is you actually want and communicate this in such a way that you trigger someone else's empathy. It means listening in way that you are trying to understand and feel what the other person experiences, feels, needs and asks of you.

WHEN TO USE IT

There is a lot that you can read, watch and learn from Nonviolent Communication , I am only going to address the practical 4 steps of Nonviolent Communication that you can use in your conversations at work and at home. Especially if you:

often feel all kinds of emotions during meetings and you don't know how to address them.
are afraid of harming others in your communication and being too assertive.
feel people are not hearing you or are not following up on your requests.
want to honour more your desire and have decided be less accomodating of other people's wishes.

sometimes only step 1 is needed to address something. and a pause.

Try practicing this first step by simply going back to emails you have where you received defensive responses or no responses at all. See how you communicated the facts: were they neutral and objective or already coloured and perhaps even judging? Now try to rewrite the email, considering the observing part. Can you write the observations in such a way that they are neutraly describing what happened or what you witnessed?

2. FEELINGS

This one might seem simple. Just add how the observations make you feel. But, how do they make you feel exactly? And can you put this in words? And are you willing to communicate these to your colleague?

This is where the magic happens. Where you can provoke empathy.

A message without vulnerability will not receive empathy and understanding. Or said the other way around; if you are able to put vulnerability in your communication, people will be willing to hear you, try to understand and feel you. Emotions are key to achieve this.

Practice this by simply writing down all the emotions you feel related to the situation, to that what has happened or what you observed. Write freely as if no one will ever read it. Then read it again and feel which emotions really resonate and represent the feeling inside. Use those words in your communication. If you don't know how to do that exactly, consult someone you trust. You could even propose already 2 or 3 sentences to them in which you practice writing down a message that represents the connection in between the observations you have made and the emotions you felt.

Example: " I have explained my colleague how to answer that email, nonetheless she hasn't answered it yet. I feel frustrated and angry that we can't make this work well and solve it. Even afraid to be stupid because maybe I didn't explain it enough."

a message without vulnerability will not receive empathy and understanding

3. NEEDS

Next step in your communication is stating your need. This often is the alternative of your observation. Let me use the example directly:

" I have explained my colleague how to answer that email, nonetheless she hasn't answered it yet. I feel frustrated and angry that we can't make this work well and solve it. Even stupid because maybe I didn't explain it enough. Because I like solving things quickly and getting things done, not having to go back on it multiple times. "

So whatever wish or desire you have, it will receive space in this part. Some people barge into a conversation putting their desires directly on the table: " Can't we do this a bit quicker? " " Shouldn't this be solved by now? " Phrased as a question, but still loaded with judgement and desire. The only thing you will get when you only put desires or even demands on the table, are desires and demands from the people you are talking to. Or silence, cause they simply don't know what to say. " You see, nothing changes. "

The trouble with clarifying your needs is that often we don't know what we actually need. What is important to us. But we do know what we don't want.

To practice this, go back to situations where you felt emotions due to a situation. Perhaps you were frustrated, annoyed, sad, unhappy or dissappointed. What was it that you really would have wanted back then? Make an exercise out of it, to filter out your own values or social/professional norms you carry inside and that resonate in those situations and feelings that were stirred.

4. REQUESTS

Last but not least, what is your request? What is it that you actually are asking the other person. I have coache d people that were used to just state requests without sharing any context or reason (supervisors, but also parents ;) ) or people that don't state a request at all. They only pinpoint the problem and what they would like, but have no clear call to action so nothing really changes.

When you think of making a request, see it as inviting the other person to join you into solving the situation.

Let's continue building on the example: " "I have explained my colleague how to answer that email, nonetheless she hasn't answered it yet. I feel frustrated and angry that we can't make this work well and solve it. Even stupid because maybe I didn't explain it enough. Because I like solving things quickly and getting things done, not having to go back on it multiple times. Can we have a look at it together to see how we can solve this?"

A Lifestyle of Purpose: Ikigai

vincentdeinum@gmail.com (Vincent Deinum) — Wed, 17 Feb 2021 14:43:03 GMT

a lifestyle of purpose

You don't want to do any job, you want something meaningful. A daily occupation that fits with who you are and what the world needs.

Here's how you can grow that kind of life.

Ikigai is a Japanese philosofy or lifestyle in which we assume life has significance. It has existed in communities in Japan where people show a certain devotion to their life's work, what they get up for in the morning. Read more about the 5 pillars of Ikigai by Ken Mogi .

First of all you need to let go of the idea that purpose is something you discover or find. An objective that you need to create or realise. It isn't. Rather see purpose as a river we are all floating on, and we all have different levels of awareness of that river, different currents and directions. Some of us have adapted their rafts and canoes to suit their course on the river, others are floating around in a puddle near the bank of the river. It is all part of our journey.

PURPOSE VENN DIAGRAM

PRACTICALLY: WHAT TO DO FIRST

1) draw 4 circles on a paper, like in the graph above

2) in the upper circle you write all the things you love doing

3) in the left circle you write all the things you are good at doing

4) in the lower circle you write down all the things you have been paid for in the past

5) in the right circle you write down all the things where you have answered a need in the world

What to do next

Take at least one hour to do the above.
Review what you wrote down 3 days later. Add the things that are missing, perhaps what you haven't considered yet:
things you would love to try out, that you haven't done yet
things you think you might be able to become good at with some practice and study
things you could do and people might want to pay for
things that are needed in the world where you could or would want to contribute
Then ask 3 people what they would say about you for each of the 4 circles.
In the end, check if you can discover a pattern. A link in between the circles. That's where the magic lies. That's where you can start...

purpose has often been labelled as one's passion. but there is more to it.

Perhaps you have noticed that the last circle about 'What the world needs' is more difficult to fill in. Even if you have already developed yourself in the past or are more experienced in the field of purpose. Let me explain why.

Obviously these organisations will stimulate less the part of searching 'what the world needs' and 'what you could get paid for'. I have seen that search more commonly taking place among entrepreneurs, especially social entrepreneurs.

So why isn't it in our daily system to think about what the world needs?

"instead of thinking i have rights, i choose to think that i am born with obligations to serve past, present and future generations, and the planet herself."

- Stan Rushworth, Cherokee elder

COLONIAL INHERITANCE & INDIVIDUALISATION

The reason it is hard to answer the part of 'What the world needs', is also linked to our (colonial) inheritance in the west and the individualistic development in society. It has grown into your system to think about yourself, your lost sense of direction, your desire to be of purpose, of use. But purpose is connected to a bigger whole than just to what you do or don't do in life.

There is an indigenous saying explaining that it isn't about having rights in life but obligations for all generations and the earth. Having rights is a settler's mindset, a colonial inheritance where we assume we can take what is out there for ourselves. Whereas having obligation is an indigenous mindset aimed to serve the need that exists around them, for their people and for the land.

That same sense of obligation you see in people that live by Ikigai in Japan, and other people's that live a life in close connection to nature, their lands and their community of people.

your purpose is not about you. it's about your surrounding with you in it.

CLOSING QUESTION

S o when you have filled in the Ikigai graph and start making choices, imagine you and your full surrounding: how can you be of service to all?

"Since the beginning, Native Peoples lived a life of being in harmony with all that surrounds us. It is a belief that all humankind are related to each other. Each has a purpose, spirit and sacredness. It is an understanding with the Great Spirit or Creator that we will follow these ways. And in this understanding we believe we are related to all other living species... "
-- Dennis Banks , Native American activist, teacher and author.

How to say NO to your supervisor

vincentdeinum@gmail.com (Vincent Deinum) — Wed, 10 Feb 2021 15:35:41 GMT

how to say no to your supervisor

It can be hard to set your boundaries to others. Especially if you don't like creating conflict, or when you are sensitive to how people perceive you, and especially if that other person is your boss or supervisor. Here are some tips on how to deal with that.

What happens if you say yes?

Simply put, another task added to your todo list. A small task you can finish quickly or you have done many times will not create much problems. Unless you already have a lot of work stacked up. Saying yes can end up in several consequences:

more responsibility
need to align with colleagues to start up or take over the task
clarify quality indicators and deadlines
less time to do other tasks
levels of stress rise (with physical and/or emotional responses)
fear of not being able to complete your tasks
overtime
less quality time at home for family or friends

I could continue with this list for quite some time. I think you could too.

i doubt if i am entitled to say no

Maybe you think you are wrong? Perhaps you think what you are asked to do is part of your job, part of your responsibility. Maybe you tell yourself you are imagining your busy agenda. Or that other people might not have such a hard time doing all the tasks you are doing and they would say yes. If you recognise this line of thinking, then also read about the tools how to energise your tasks and ask for help, because we all have limits to what we are able to do.

What could help convince yourself to say no, is to try building a case for yourself by:

making an overview of all your tasks
knowing what the confines of your job assignment are
realising what costs time and energy and is limiting your effectiveness
receiving feedback from others whom you feel safe with, whether what is asked from you deserves a no.

A QUICK WAY TO SAYING NO

saying no is one thing. saying no to your boss is a different story.

You could say your supervisor is just another person or colleague. For some that thought already helps to put things in perspective. For others it's not enough. Because organisation-wise, a supervisor does have a hierarchical position towards you, or maybe you are also dealing with a supervisor that behaves authoritarian or dominant, which adds to the feeling that it's super hard to say no.

You can check already the free tool about styles of influence to see which type of communication could help you say no to your supervisor. Below I will explain another tool that will help you with the right mindset and type of communication.

The Rose of Leary

EXAMPLE:

Back when I used to work as a young physiotherapist, I had a really strong dominant behavior. In such a way that my boss didn't dare talk to me or discuss with me about the requests I made. You could say I had a good time asking for a raise or extra holidays ^_^ but it wasn't very kind what I was doing. I was criticising the organisation, his lack of leadership and the way agreements were made.

You can use the Rose of Leary as a way to explore interaction between two people and their behavior. Considering the example above, the starting position of the interaction between me and my boss is plotted in the model below.

ME from a dominating position (above and against), in which I criticised and was against how things were done.
My Boss from a position of submissiveness (below and a bit against), avoiding me and our discussions.

After some time, my boss started to change his approach to me I noticed. He refused to accept what I said, and started putting rules in place that limited my obtained privileges. I had to comply to new rules around my paycheck, asking for holidays or the amount of holidays. This new balance grew in the years, to such a degree that I started to become afraid of him and I tended to avoid our talks and confrontations. Roles were switched!

In this new dynamic, me and my boss practically switched roles:

ME being more withdrawn, avoiding conflict and exposure to the presence of my boss.
My Boss criticising my way of working, discouraging resistance from my part by applying new rules.

Eventually I quit my job. That's what prolonged withdrawl does. You exit. But what if I would have stayed and tried out a new strategy? One in which I would have worked out a sense of collaboration?

To understand this approach you need to know a bit more about the model:

it works with vertical polarities; if one person has a certain kind of behavior in the upper section, it will invite a behavior from the lower section. And vice versa.
so if someone is showing dependent behavior (below & together) in a situation with people, some of those people will start to show leading behavior (above & together).
using this model for change; you choose to move yourself to a different section and invite other behavior from the people around you.

Let's pretend I didn't quit but I wanted to change my situation to learn to say no to my boss' new attitude towards me:

I could've gone back to criticising and competing , trying to get him back into a withdrawn and submissive set of behavior as before. With the risk of conflict luring, as we are not in a state of collaboration.
I could have changed my attitude towards being more dependent and accomodating : seeing which new rules I could live by and apply and which I can't, being agreeable and accomodate him in what my boss wants to obtain while also expressing my needs. Thus, inviting a more helping and supportive leadership from his side.
I could also have changed my attitude towards being more leading and helpful : either by inviting him to relfect on our working relationship and way of working, with suggestions to improve or introducing guidelines and agreements that are favourable to us both.

COLLABORATIVELY SAYING NO

Using my example, I could apply both the second and third option when you are trying to say no to your supervisor.

The second when you are in a hierarchical organisation or with a more dominant supervisor.
The third for a supervisor that is already naturally accomodating or dependent on you, will hardly give you problems saying no.
Unless the obstacle of saying no is something that resides in yourself. In that case you can try all attitudes on the right side of the Rose (together area).

You are not saying no, you are collaborating.

The way to do it is by switching mindset and intention. When interacting with your supervisor and you set out to say no, don't imagine yourself resisting, competing, pushing, submitting, withdrawing or bowing. Imagine yourself helping your supervisor, being of use by saying no, accomodating your supervisor, the team and yourself by saying no and hence improving your collaboration.

Asking Help Without Feeling Ashamed

vincentdeinum@gmail.com (Vincent Deinum) — Fri, 05 Feb 2021 16:40:01 GMT

asking help without feeling ashamed

You are stuck in a situation. Somewhere you know it is time to ask for help, but that isn't something you're used to do. So how to proceed? Here are some pointers on how to learn to ask for help, without feeling ashamed about it.

Let's start with the question: why don't you ask for help? There are a couple of reasons I hear from people:

1) asking help costs time. You need to explain things to people, things that you can do yourself, maybe even quicker than they can. Allowing yourself to ask for help, would imply letting go, not only of a task, but also the speed and quality with which that task should be done according to you, and could be done if you would just do it yourself.

2) asking help feels like you failed. You are used to always getting things done. It is part of who you are and why people ask you to do your work and why you are good at it. Stopping now would mean admitting you are not good at it. That you are a failure and unable to finish what you start.

3) asking help means you have to bother others with your question. You know that others are busy too and you don't want to bother them. You don't want to be seen as the kind of person that whines or nags. So you prefer to do things yourself.

4) asking help is you admitting you are not smart enough. That you are weak. You always have a solution for something and people come to you for ideas and help, not the other way around. If you now would start asking for help, what will people think?

well, why would you ask for help?

One person only has so much time, skills and capacity. That can run out and you get stuck. Perhaps you feel you arrived at that point. That your tasks are too demanding, you lose overview and control over what you have to do. It all feels too much. Time to ask help.

ASKING HELP

There is a practical way to get toward asking help and there is an inner way to reach it. For some people the practical way already gives some space to ask for help, for some it's not enough. As you have read in the stories above, asking for help requires you to let go and break the pattern.

THE INNER WAY

Now maybe the practical way has already helped you in asking help. I can also imagine that you have recognised a pattern in yourself. A pattern of not asking help. If this is the case, it might be wise to explore also the inner way to break this pattern and avoid harmful situations in the future.

Learn about how inner selves work. They produce your thoughts and form your inner dialogue .
Grow your awareness of your inner dialogue. Specifically when thinking of trying to ask for help and which voices enter the conversation.
Write these down and recognise any pattern of a specific voice. Often there are several mixed up;
a side that doesn't want to give up
a part of you that doesnt want to lose time
a voice that loves success and get things done
a pleasing side of you that doesn't like letting other people down.
Take some time for yourself to get acquainted with these different inner selves and see this time as a self exploring period .
It is likely that this process will already start a healing proces , in which you have started listening more to these voices, giving them quality time and hence, taking away the pressure from them. When you ignore them, they tend to become louder. When you listen, they soften, and thus you create more space. Perhaps for the voice that wants to enjoy life, that wants to focus on the fun stuff, or the tasks that make you feel good, valued and appreciated.
Keep writing down your thoughts, or draw them, or talk about it with other people or a coach to help yourself reflect. During this process you will noticing slight forms of a rebalancing taking place.

Energise Your Tasks

vincentdeinum@gmail.com (Vincent Deinum) — Sat, 30 Jan 2021 16:10:41 GMT

energise your tasks

When you're overloaded with work, you need to go back to the basis. "What are you hired to do?" Some already find that question challenging. That basis also relates to why you started this job in first place: tasks that energise you. Here's a tool to review your job.

The tool I am going to give you is super simpel, but it needs some of your time and attention to complete it. So here goes.

1. Make a list of all your tasks . Be as specific and concrete as can be.

2. Check each task whether it's really linked to the core of your job .

3. Check each task whether it's energising you.

4. Check each task whether it is time consuming and occupying your agenda.

You can use this table below as an example how you could order it for yourself. I took the example of someone who works in a customer service team.

k now what you're hired to do

First step is to check again your job description or have a talk with your team lead on what the core of your work is. My experience is that this really helps a lot in rechecking your focus and priority. It's likely that you have started doing all kinds of tasks that aren't really your responsibility. Even when you think it is part of your core work, watch what happens when you ask colleagues for feedback. Ask them what they think your job includes, it might open up a blind spot and take some ease of tasks you don't actually have to do yourself.

Another important question is 'which tasks really energise you'? You started this job for a reason, and in time to took on other tasks that are less energising. Or perhaps it is time you start crafting your job more to your own talents and skills and prioritise your tasks based on what is energising you! Simply put, after filling in this tool, go to your supervisor and/or team, and discuss how to re-arrange or delegate tasks so you can really focus on the core of your work and the tasks that are inspiring and energising to you.

During this talk, you can also address the tasks that are taking most time of your agenda . WHY are they consuming so much time?

Because they are complex?
The work process has delays (waiting for others to respond before continuing)?
You miss the talents or skill for it so it takes you longer time than necessary?
Or it's simply the quantity of work that takes a lot of time?

Whatever the cause, it is worth discussing. Because that time spent can either be improved and made more effective, or put elsewhere so your contribution becomes more meaningful and you feel better at work too. Perhaps you need help and it's not a job for 1 person only. Or the process is doesn't function properly and should be improved. Or maybe certain colleagues can coach or mentor you in the process, so you can actually learn and improve yourself while becoming quicker at doing it.

How to make your team work well

vincentdeinum@gmail.com (Vincent Deinum) — Wed, 20 Jan 2021 19:04:37 GMT

how to make you team work well

Many teams hope for some magic pill or coaching trick to solve their issues. Reality is that creating an excellent team requires training. Fortunately there are some easy basics that often work well to get your team on track.

start at the basis and form your team

GIVE SHAPE TO YOUR IDENTITY

The basic question we all ask ourselves every now and then: why are we here? As a starting team you might not answer this question quite consciously cause the answer is so obvious for most. The question becomes relevant after a while, when changes start to happen from within or from outside of the team. So every now and then as a team, try to answer the question: if all of our work is done, what have we achieved?

Next to that you can spend time considering what is it that you value most; for each other, your stakeholders, your partners and your clients. What do we think is most important as a value? To further build your collective identity, you can align how you would like to be seen or heard by the outside world. Images, colours, emotions, tone of voice, behaviors or perhaps, what are the things we really don't want to do?

All these questions can be part of a quarterly or (semi) annual cycle in which you reflect on your goals and results.

M ANAGE EXPECTATIONS

Connected to the previous topic, the question still exists: how am I going to do my job well? Said otherwise, what is expected from me considering our OKRs?

being yourself at work. it's priceless.

BUILD RELATIONSHIPS

In order to have a storming phase that really gives space to what needs to be discussed, you need more than clear expectations and feedback to build the trust that is needed. Trust comes in time and is founded by building lasting relationships. I am inclined even to say friendships; as the deeper the connection, the more people can be themselves at work. And that is priceless.

In order to build relationships, you need to let in a bit of personal information to the conversation. Share stories, fun facts and show other sides of yourself than just the work face: the most beautiful trip you have experienced / what would you do with a million / your favourite game as a child.

STORY

Standing in a circle, one of the team members started sharing about his life as a child. How teachers told him he was dumb and too slow in learning. While his voice broke and tears started rolling down his cheeks, he told the team how this is driving him to help as many schools and students as possible with their online learning tools. So as much students as possible can learn and improve themselves and won't have the negative experience he has had.

As the example shows, real relationships are forged the moment we allow vulnerabilities to show. Often it is not something you can organise or should force out of a group. But you can create the setting to allow this to happen by for example choosing a location that is out of the office and out of the comfort zone in nature, by doing conversation games and start your sharing activities in two's or small groups.

Prioritise & Delegate

vincentdeinum@gmail.com (Vincent Deinum) — Mon, 11 Jan 2021 22:07:51 GMT

prioritise & delegate

If you feel that often you don't have enough time for the amount of work you have to do, then here's an interesting tool. Also for when you consider ALL of your work as important and urgent, stay tuned. Time to change a bit of your perspective. You can be so involved in your work, that you are not able anymore to distinguish what truly has priority or urgency.

Next, order all the tasks into the diagram, that you can draw yourself, and arrange them based on your own judgement of how important or urgent these tasks are. You can asks co-workers or your team lead some feedback on how you have ordered them (remember you have blind spots).

delegating isn't just task management

it's the art of letting go and trusting your fellow co-workers

W hen you are confident that the tasks are well ordered in the diagram, it is time to process them and see what you can stop doing.

DETERMINE YOUR VALUE

Prioritising & Delegating isn't just task management, it's managing the value you deliver. Overworking yourself doesn't help anybody. Doing a lot of everything eventually leads to not doing much at all. Determine your true value:

- what are you really hired to do? What is your core assignment?

- what are your true talents that make you deliver an outstanding job? Are you using them in the tasks you are prioritising?

Try to answer these questions, perhaps together with a colleague, supervisor or coach, if prioritising and delegating keeps on being a challenge for you.

Your Influencing Styles

vincentdeinum@gmail.com (Vincent Deinum) — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 21:41:23 GMT

how to bring your surrounding into motion - influencing styles

The moment you decide to start talking to people to improve your situation, it is wise to think about how you want to approach them. Perhaps you're a natural in building relationships and finding solutions with others, nevertheless, we all have different preferences. What is yours?

Roughly you can distinguish 4 styles of influencing as you see above in the model:

1) PUSH - persuading: a style based on facts and seeking to overrule someone's arguments using data and reason.

2) PUSH - asserting: a style based on authority where you have position where you determine the expectations and norms.

3) PULL - bridging: a style based on collaboration, seeking help and/or reaching out to others to listen or help.

4) PULL - attracting: a style based on creating a vision of the future that is inviting and stimulating.

Consider the people you want to influence and how they normally communicate. Which of these styles of influence do they have? You can try to use one of the styles to see how they respond or try to use the opposite style than they have in the Push/Pull dynamic.

For example : for a supervisor that has a higher position and also uses an asserting style (PUSH) it would be wise to try a more bridging or attracting influencing style (PULL), by asking her for help: tell her you are unsure how to handle something or create an image of the future you are pursuing and how she could fit that picture.

using influencing styles can harm your authenticity, unless you keep it authentic

Consider for yourself what your natural influencing styles are. In your communication it is wise to stay as authentic as possible, while remaining aware of the person in front of you. If you have difficulty understanding your own natural style of influence, this very simple test might be helpful to get a direction where your natural preference lies.

Stop trying to change things

vincentdeinum@gmail.com (Vincent Deinum) — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 19:25:45 GMT

stop trying to change things

Perhaps you have read about the 4 Steps to Deal with (Stressful) Situation s and you wonder how it is that you can best try to change your situation. First thing you have to do is: wonder whether you can actually change the situation.

Let's say I want to change the way we register complaints from clients at work because I feel we are not offering the best services and we aren't aware of and not processing how our clients are perceiving our services. I address this to my teamlead and he says he will take it on with the quality team. After a couple of weeks I don't hear anything, and this isn't the first time. What do I do?

Think about a personal situation you are currently in and you want to change things. You can map the people that are connected to the problem or situation you want to influence.

The people you place inside the circle of influence are the people you are directly connected with. You know them or you can reach out to them to talk about the situation. This can be in a formal way, linked to protocols, workflows or hierarchic relationships, or informally because you simply know some of the colleagues related to this situation you are in.
The people you place inside the circle of concern are the people that are far from you, you cannot reach them formally nor informally and they have influence over your situation. These are the people often have a certain power or position over you, that can decide over your situation for the better or worse.

If I use the earlier example, the circles could be filled in in this way:

What to do next?

Now you have an overview you can do a couple of things:

try to change the situation by directly reaching out to people in your circle of influence and ask them to act or decide something that will alter the situation to your benefit. For example: I can email the Quality team directly using their public email box for ideas & suggestions.
enlarge your circle of influence and ask the people in your circle of influence to reach out to the people in the circle of concern (because they might know them peronally or formally) and make a request on your behalf. For example: I can ask the colleague I know from the Quality team (I do sports with) to address my situation in their team meeting and see if they can do something about it. I could also ask my team lead to get in touch with the team lead of the Quality team, or even ask if he can introduce me to him.
enlarge your circle of influence even more by reaching out directly to the people in your circle of concern. For example: I can reach out to the department manager because I know her face or have her email and therefore I can contact her directly. Doing this is often limited to what is socially accepted or the amount of courage you feel it might require.
decide you cannot influence your situation because you don't have enough or the right people in power within your circle of influence. This can sometimes be a very wise decision; to renounce further persistance or determined mindset and hence avoid any form of burnout that might happen to you. Pick your battles.

If all of this doesn't work out well for you, see if you made the right choice on how to deal with your situation using the 4 Steps to Deal with (Stressful) Situations tool. Or send us a message and we can see if we can help you out.

4 Steps To Deal With (Stressful) Situations

vincentdeinum@gmail.com (Vincent Deinum) — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 10:02:08 GMT

4 steps to deal with (stressful) situations

We tend to start with Step 1. For example at work your colleagues are not following up on an action, so you reach out to them to ask if they can do the required tasks. Perhaps if they do not comply, you ask again, or you go to your supervisor to address the problem (and increase your influence to make it happen).

We do all we can to make other people listen to us, respect our desires and wishes, or at least be heard. But it doesn't always work. Some of you resign quicker than others, perhaps don't even bother. Some are more bold and persistent to influence your surrounding , or actually will not surrender trying to persuade the other person.

After Step 1, we often jump to Step 3. We leave it, accept things for what they are and set it aside. But do we really? Or do we still feel frustrated, angry, sad, lonely, anxious? Accepting a situation will be truly possible the moment in which you can empathetically consider the situation, yourself and the people involved. If you can resign yourself with what you are feeling. If we really understand why the situation is the way it is. This will be really hard if the situation is too painful, it hurts too much or it triggers old pains inside us. Then we say we accept, but we don't really...

We still feel frustrated, sad, angry, annoyed or unheard, so after a while we start influencing again, trying to change the situation. We ping-pong up and down in between step 1 & 3 until we try to change ourselves.

W hen going for Step 2, we often start looking for help. A friend, family member, colleague, mentor or coach, who can guide us in changing ourselves. You become aware of who you are, how you can communicate with people, learning about how to deal with other personalities, all the while you are uncovering the blind spots and vulnerabilities you have been carrying inside and you were not aware of.

Very likely, in this process, you are confronted with the other choices again: do you really want to resign? Are you ready to accept? Is it time to leave? Do you still need to solve something or stand your ground?

After ping-ponging in between steps 1, 2 and 3 for a time, step 4 tends to pop up in our heads. Depending on the kind of relationship that is represented in your situation, step 4 will be easy or hard to do. It means leaving a project, a team, a location, a partnership or relationship, maybe even a job, company or even a family.

Take some time to reflect on your choices. In the Free Tools Section there are multiple tools that can help by either of those four steps and every week we will add more that might enable you to improve your situation.

Story: How shivers kill my confidence..

vincentdeinum@gmail.com (Vincent Deinum) — Thu, 28 Apr 2016 19:59:44 GMT

It starts in my shoulders I think. I am not really aware of it, but it's just suddenly there. Taking hold of me. The Shiver. A cold eerie feeling that I can't control. The Shiver spreads to my nek and arms, and runs down my spine to my legs. I can't move. My stomach is moving though, but not in a happy way.

Now, I have been on stage many times as a singer, artist, speaker, yet still when I have to stand in front of a crowd for the first time, The Shiver presents itself. It can be a new topic that I have to present, a new group that I don't know so well, or perhaps I have been sloppy in my preparations which is giving me the creeps. I simply don't feel confident .

"My memory is reviewing other failures from the past."

A movie trailer of mistakes and possible failures passes by. The "what ifs" and possible negative outcomes are like cheerleaders on the playing field supporting The Shiver in it's conquest of my body. If you know my story about the Path of Limitation , you can come to the conclusion I am not regarding the situation from a perspective of possibility, but rather that of limitation. My memory is reviewing other failures from the past.

This is all very useful of course! It is simply my instinct trying help me to survive, to locate possible performance risks of where I might fail and avoid them for success and survival. In a prehistoric scene that would work well, pinpointing dangers, because failure could lead to my death. But in my current situation it's not quite useful. In fact, my thoughts of survival are confidence blockers and limit my leadership in taking action.

"My thoughts of survival are confidence blockers and limit my leadership in taking action."

As a leader of my own life I can still be afraid. It doesn't mean I can't take action. It requires hope, optimism, and other positive emotions that help me to take a perspective of possibility. It's a matter of shifting your mindset. Thinking how fruitful collaboration with others might help me, thinking back of successful experiences in the past and relying on my own personal strengths. Truly knowing where your strengths lie already gives a huge boost to your confidence and trigger the leader inside.

In order to give space to my strengths, I need to be in control of my limiting beliefs and confidence blockers. The "what ifs", the inner critic and perfectionist that talk to me when I need to perform. And the internalized desires & expectations from my social surrounding that can cloud my personal desire. Things like: "What if they don't like it?" or "I shouldn't forget anything, did I check it all properly?".

The moment I am actively using my strengths I get in the flow, a rush of energy. It is then that also feel shivers, different ones though. At those moments I am in the zone, feeling fully confident and energized with what I am doing.

Video: The path of possibilities

vincentdeinum@gmail.com (Vincent Deinum) — Sat, 19 Mar 2016 17:34:12 GMT

A practical model to achieve positivity

Sometimes we feel stuck in situations at work or private life, in which we don't see the possible changes or other approaches available to solve situations. We are in the so-called "Path of Limitations". This path is paved by the challenges we face and they trigger our fears, inabilities and insecurities. These challenges turn our focus on our weaknesses, failures and the internal politics or gossip at work. Staying on this path isn't fun and can eventually bring us to a feeling of hopelessness.

By changing your mindset you can get back on the "Path of Possibilities". Focusing on your personal strengths, the opportunities that situations give and how you can co-operate with others, creates a new wave of energy and motivation to solve a situation. You can see possibilities again and eventually feel a sense of hope.

Positive emotions at work have shown to have an impact on employee engagement, performance and creativity & innovation at work.

Check the video below made by StrengthsPartnership, which explains the Path of Possibilities. This is one of the models I use in coaching .

Annoying co-workers: we all know them.

vincentdeinum@gmail.com (Vincent Deinum) — Thu, 24 Sep 2015 00:00:00 GMT

How strengths in overdrive lead to unwanted situations.

Annoying co-workers, we all know them. And we don't just know them. We feel hindered by them. They get in my personal space. Picking up the phone when they call turns into a big decisive moment. Until the point you start avoiding them completely or even disliking them profoundly.

Now let's see where it all starts. You are in a meeting. And while the team is trying to focus on a topic, one colleague is trying to bring the attention back to this point of the previous meeting that hasn't been solved yet. Again, and again, and again. In his or her view, it is highly important. The team already agreed that it's no longer relevant, though the dear colleague isn't satisfied.

What is happening?

Well first of all, we've got a risky situation leading towards my introduction story. Second, the team loses focus. The annoying colleague is not heard or satisfied and will possibly become either passive, with a low contribution to team efforts, or will become even more present and so, will disrupt further collaboration. The team loses performance.

A great example of strengths in overdrive. Think of this colleague as someone who loves persuading others. Or perhaps has a great analytical mind. Or maybe he or she can be really enthusiastic about certain topics and has a huge drive for specific outcomes and results that will benefit the organisation. Or maybe all of them together. All fine qualities that can help that person perform at its best, and when applied in team effort, will help the effectiveness of a team. Unless he or she goes in overdrive.

In overdrive, this person in question will try to persuade others, even when it's not beneficial or relevant to the situation. Analytical or critical people in overdrive limit the progress and flow by frequently pointing out what is wrong and what needs to be reviewed. Being overly enthusiastic becomes pushing one's view onto others, while a result focus in overdrive creates a tunnel vision. All of these together make a very pushy, overly present and annoying coworker.

How to deal with this?

Well for starters, let's regard this from a positive perspective. We have someone really engaged here! And he or she wants to make a significant difference in the team. When someone is in overdrive, up to a certain level, they are energised. They are using a strength in action. Other's see overdrive happening much before the person itself is aware of it. So when regarding this annoying coworker, consider the engagement and strengths they show and that they are completely unaware that he or she is in overdrive.

They need feedback. That starts with an empathic response, a description of your observation and the effect it has on the group. Now I won't get into the technicalities of giving feedback because there are a bucketload of instructions online you can find on that topic, but my main message is, look for the strength at work. Annoying coworkers are highly valuable. They have something to add to the team, which is their strength. So let's help eachother become aware of our strengths in overdrive.

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k ﻿ now what you're hired to do

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start at the basis and form your team

being yourself at work. it's priceless.

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prioritise & delegate

Your Influencing Styles

how to bring your surrounding into motion - influencing styles

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What to do next?

4 Steps To Deal With (Stressful) Situations

4 steps to deal with (stressful) situations

Story: How shivers kill my confidence..

Video: The path of possibilities

A practical model to achieve positivity

Annoying co-workers: we all know them.

How strengths in overdrive lead to unwanted situations.

purpose has often been labelled as one's passion. but there is more to it.

well, why would you ask for help?

k now what you're hired to do