Leadership with less ego

this article is a translation of the published Dutch version on MaatschapWij

Often we are driven by our emotional wounds. Also leaders. While this time asks for leaders who are not distracted by their ego, according to shaman and regenerative coach Vincent Deinum. Time to heal our wounds.

My partner and I recently decided to watch the Netflix series “The Office”. We often moved on when we would see the trailer, but this evening we gave it a try. What a harrowing experience. The main character, Scott, the regional manager of the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company, sees himself as one of the best managers ever and insults his colleagues and employees in (sometimes sexist) unacceptable ways, completely unaware of the consequences and not respecting boundaries.

It was too frustrating to watch and we ended the first episode before the full twenty-two minutes were up. Besides perhaps the preference in type of humor, we were touched by the fact that this was not fiction, but a reasonable representation of reality in some organisations. Managers who think they can build a relationship with a joke and shove. Who are triggered by the slightest form of resistance and react from the authority of their position. Or who do whatever it takes in order not to lose face and to climb higher up the ladder in the organization.

Ask someone about the best manager in their life, you can often count them on one hand. There are many more examples of executives who have left a bad impression or even caused harm.

You won't make it with leadership profiling

If you are to believe these 140 successful CEOs of the world that were interviewed, then in 2030 we need leaders who have an eye for diversity, have a serving attitude, are the chef in the kitchen of both technology and the humane approach, and are ready for change. Coaching, empathetic, tech-savvy and born communicators.

While Deloitte acknowledges that the traditional leader will soon no longer exist, the alternative offered is still limited: “Think like a researcher, co-create your relationships and prioritize the human dimension.” Over the past hundreds of years, we have increasingly thought like researchers. Next to each leader is a scientist, expert or scientific explainer to legitimise what the leader does with the organisation.

We really don't need more thinking. Co-creating relationships is a euphemism, because you always co-create a relationship. Prioritising the human dimension seems to me overdue maintenance, not the future. In other words, I think we can go a step further in what alternative to traditional leadership we need.

Other large companies also don't come across as very 23rd century with their perspective on leadership: "Resilient, courageous, growth of technology and net-zero: stay on track."

There are many organisations, experts and speakers trying to provide a framework for the leadership of the future. I am one of those too. They can be right or wrong, it doesn't really matter. Because the difference in the leadership of the future is not in the qualities, skills, knowledge or personality that someone brings. Rather, it's about how much of it you've let go of, got rid of, and transformed.



Everyone has a 'Scott' in them

Many a morning ritual at our house can be a rather intense start to the day. With my daughter not wanting to get out of bed, my partner feeling the storm coming and exploding when our daughter doesn't want to go to school and me reacting bluntly and curtly to both due to the constant conflict - at the same time I feel an additional guilt because I actually stayed in bed too long and my partner has taken the first blows from the recurring morning fight. What is happening here?

During my shamanic training I discovered a 'great power' topic in myself. And that topic turned out to be continuously mirrored in my family. A drive for more power, to be respected as an authority, recognition for my place and react angrily to those who try to overpower me. In this case my daughter. Every day she challenges me, she says 'no', she pushes the boundaries of what is allowed, like any healthy child. With some extra power drive in her, because what lives in me, and in my partner, is also in her. A wonderful mixture of patterns that interact with each other.

Actually, it doesn't make me much different from the manager Scott in the previously described Netflix series. Because a perpetrator-victim relationship also lives in me. Lives in my partner and daughter. And actually in everyone. 'The Office' is such a popular series for a reason. The patterns you see in the series resonate with what you have inside you. Only the degree differs, as well as the way it comes out, and the places and relationships it affects.

Every leader I've worked with has a pattern somewhere in their subconscious of a victim, perpetrator or rescuer. And that pattern determines the behavior as a leader.

How I silenced my ego

As a shaman, I bear the responsibility to make myself as 'clear' as possible. To become aware of the triggers in myself, provoked by people in my environment or situations that arise, and trigger a reaction in me. It asks me to face the shadow sides of myself, that which I prefer not to show to myself or my surroundings. There where pain, sadness, suffering, shame or guilt is hidden in my subconscious.

Why go so deep? Because in that subconscious lies a great source of our behavior. Reactions to others, choices you make or attention you do or don't give. It is driven by the wounds we sustain in life and are determined by our ego.

Our ego has all kinds of old programs running on the hard disk. And those programs are sometimes double-clicked. Sometimes they are on your hard drive for a long time without any problems, and suddenly they start running. So much you startle yourself!

I've been traveling in my subconscious for 18 years now. A journey that never really ends, because we are much more than just a body and a head. That journey has brought me through many insights, lessons and moments of letting go. I am much less reactive to situations and can sense and assess moments much better. I am also more loving I notice, less strict with myself and others.

The morning ritual with my daughter and partner is also much calmer and more loving. In me I feel much less urge to be heard. To be decisive in what needs to be done. I am simply there for them, trying to speak and act out of love, not authority or power. The latter is a continuous exercise. Because 'clearing up' something in your inner world requires a practical application, which is a continuous exercise. Only now it is much easier because the emotional intensity and emotional triggers have been greatly reduced.

The cleared leader

Fortunately, not every executive has to travel for 18 years in their inner self. Taking your responsibility as a leader seriously, however, demands a journey that does justice to what you will bring about in the place where you are that leader.

Because what if you no longer react automatically from your emotion?
What if you no longer feel the tension when people want something from you?
What if you feel a sense of effortless in setting boundaries, giving direction, or in the conversations you are having?

I long for the time when we see healing organisations as the 'new normal'. Organisations where we create places that enable people to let themselves be complete. With everything we carry within us. Being allowed to be yourself with everything you have in your backpack.

And that leaders in organisations sense that flawlessly and guide them with love. Who have worked on their own patterns, on their well-known topics in life that kept coming back. But now no longer show a perpetrator, victim or rescuer behavior, and can show their leadership in a softer way.

A 'clear leader' who can be there for their surrounding in peace and tranquility. Sensitive for what is present in themselves and in the group. That brings attention to the whole of the organisation, and thus attention to the people.

Let's create a new variant of the Netflix series 'The Office' together. A workplace where you can choose to live and work from the wounds you carry within you, or from wholeness. A place where ego no longer rules the corridors and meeting rooms, but love.



I guide leaders in their journey to lead more from the heart, with clarity, a sense of direction and knowing how to deal with what the workplace brings you. Reach out to me if you're interested to renew your leadership.